Lift The Bar

It’s funny where life takes you—and let’s be clear, an article on this topic wasn’t on my career bingo card when I qualified all those years ago.

I’ve navigated most of my career in this space with really healthy relationships and like to believe that my work with clients has been valuable. To my knowledge, I’ve never had anyone leave my service because I was overly assertive in my delivery or advice. But just because I “think” I’ve been pretty decent at managing relationships doesn’t mean I can’t push forward and improve.

Despite all kinds of societal moments triggering “cancel culture” and “wokeism”—along with their arch-rivals, the “alphas”—I’ve never seen them as a reason to change my behaviour around clients.

I mean, clients come to their sessions of their own free will. They literally use their time and money choices to utilize my skillset, so why would I question myself? If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it, right? Nobody is being forced into anything against their will, nobody is being physically or emotionally abused, and people keep coming back—so why even bother thinking about this stuff?

Well, it all starts with a group of 8-year-old girls.

(image: the girls)

Last year, I took on the role of a football coach for an under-9 girls' team, and from the very outset, it made me question the entire concept I had of coaching.

All of a sudden, I was a trusted adult to kids I barely knew. While my football knowledge is pretty decent, I found myself questioning every single action I made. From the very first second of the very first training session I led, I realised that the language I choose could potentially impact these kids for the rest of their lives.

The underlying principle I decided to run my team on was ‘consent-led coaching’—meaning that wherever I want to give feedback, whenever I want to change something, or even when I need to address a parent, I ask for permission.

This often sounds like, “Girls, I appreciate you are all keen to get hold of the ball, but with your permission, I want to suggest an alternative idea to this chaos!”

This may sound insane. Some of the alpha-leaning men reading this may already be eye-rolling hard…but the one thing I want from my girls is for them to EXPECT, from a very early age, that figures of authority still need permission. If we can practice that on the small stuff, then they will definitely expect that on the big stuff.

And we got off to an amazing start—right up until one of the girls took a massive shot to the face and cried her eyes out. I can still hear the distress now! As she walked toward me, my paternal instinct kicked in, and I leaned in to  hug her. This was not my child; I didn’t ask permission. And despite it “feeling” like an appropriate action to comfort the player (who I am delighted trusted me to do that), it actually fell short of the standards I set myself for those kids.

As I finished the session, I immediately self-reported the incident to the parent and notified our club’s safeguarding and welfare officer. The parent immediately reassured me that they felt the action I took was appropriate and understood, and our safeguarding officer really appreciated how seriously I took safeguarding and consent.

Ok, Ok—Back to Personal Training

If I was willing to follow such a tight protocol for a kid who got hurt playing football, and if I am trying to help the next generation of girls expect and demand their trusted adults to have consent and safeguarding at the forefront of their practice—why on earth am I not doing more to support the adults paying me in this way too?

Is “not being a creep” actually enough in today’s world? I wanted to test that out and see where it took me.

So, I started out by writing down common things I say in sessions, like:

• “Today, I have swapped out X with Y because I think that will suit our sessions better for now.”
• “Based on current performance, I think we should move to X way of working because it will likely offer a better outcome.”

And changed them to:

• “I believe that X has served you well, but with your permission, I would like to explore a new approach because…”

The key words here being “With your permission.” The response has been beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

(image: after getting permission to work on my client's reaction times)

Since then, I’ve felt a bit weird thinking of all the times where I changed stuff, assumed stuff, or suggested stuff without actually using those words first. Again, I’m not a creep. I like to think I’m a nice guy. But by using those words, it has made every client feel more understood.

These days, there is barely a session that goes by where I don’t say something like:

• “With your permission, I’d like to explore…”
• “With your permission, I’d like to offer a different viewpoint…”

Sure, clients are paying for my knowledge, skills, service, and, dare I say, ‘authority’—but now more than ever, I realise that those things are best served up with explicit permission.

It’s a framework to deliver positive changes.
 It’s a framework to deliver moments of constructive feedback.
 It’s a framework to ensure that no matter what, I respect a person’s autonomy more than my need to be ‘right.’

And the people this has worked best with? That’s easy—the people who naturally come to us time-poor and autonomy-thwarted.

Whether you have an 8-year-old girl or a 95-year-old man in front of you, I double dare you to ask permission on your next idea for them. It might just change their life for the better.

CB

P.S While we are here, here is your reminder that this ALWAYS extends to physical touch during sessions (I am most definitely a hands-on trainer - In the least creepy way possible!) 

It's crucial to ask permission before touching a client, especially when they're performing an exercise. In the fitness world, hands-on adjustments are often seen as part of the job, but it's essential to remember that physical contact can be uncomfortable or even intrusive for some individuals - even if you are familiar with them

By asking for consent before making any adjustments, we respect their boundaries and give them control over their own bodies. This not only fosters trust and a sense of safety but also aligns with the principle of consent-led coaching. It’s a simple gesture that reinforces autonomy and ensures that our role as coaches or trainers remains supportive, not overbearing. Asking for permission can also encourage clients to communicate openly about their comfort levels, which leads to a more productive and positive training experience for everyone involved.